Friday, December 12, 2008

Another Two Reasons Why I REALLY Loathe Jennifer Aniston

I don't like Jennifer Aniston. I didn't like her on that god-awful television show she was paid too much for. I don't like 85% of the movies she chooses to star in. I don't like how everyone gushes over how 'nice' and 'normal' she seems (I am positive, POSITIVE, that she is neither, for the record, and still side firmly with Angelina Jolie on principles of manifest destiny and talent alone.). I don't even like her face.

And two new reasons not to like her? One: she's starring in that damn sappy looking dog movie that will shoot to #1 at the box office because it has puppies AND Rachel from their fave show of like all time. Two: she promotes the PG-rated dog movie by doing a photo shoot where she poses like this:

and then i puke a little bit. Ok, she has a great body for 40. But seriously, only this bitch would do an orgy-tastic photoshoot for a chick flick dog movie and justify it by having that stupid grin plastered onto her photoshopped face. Men-folk, tell me, do you fall into the cult of Jennifer?

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Award Season

You thought Christmas was great because it's Christmas? No, Christmas is only great because in the days around Christmas, the world is given all the fabulous movies that Hollywood stores up until glorious award season. Yes, i love award season. I love to watch the films. I love to argue about the merits of the films. I love to get insanely angry about who they decide to give Oscars to. It fills me with joy. It's like a sports season to me. You keep your football scores, i'll check the stats on The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

Anyway. The Hollywood Foreign Press released their nominees for the Golden Globe Awards yesterday, and while i haven't seen everything yet there are already a few surprises. Mainly: Tom Cruise got a supporting nomination for his "cameo" in Tropic Thunder. Really? So, what you're saying is, if someone puts on a fat suit, says 'fuck' a lot, and does some disturbing dance moves for 5 minutes to Flo-Rida's "Low" this is a reason to recognize their incredible ability?

I'll take that into consideration.

Hit the jump for the nominees.



The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Reader
Revolutionary Road
Slumdog Millionaire


Burn After Reading
In Bruges
Mamma Mia!
Vicky Cristina Barcelona


Leonardo DiCaprio, Revolutionary Road
Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn, Milk
Brad Pitt, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler


Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married
Angelina Jolie, Changeling
Meryl Streep, Doubt
Kristin Scott Thomas, I've Loved You So Long
Kate Winslet, Revolutionary Road


Javier Bardem, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Colin Farrell, In Bruges
James Franco, Pineapple Express
Brendan Gleeson, In Bruges
Dustin Hoffman, Last Chance Harvey


Rebecca Hall, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Sally Hawkins, Happy-Go-Lucky
Frances McDormand, Burn After Reading
Meryl Streep, Mamma Mia!
Emma Thompson, Last Chance Harvey


Tom Cruise, Tropic Thunder
Robert Downey Jr., Tropic Thunder
Ralph Fiennes, The Duchess
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Doubt
Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight


Amy Adams, Doubt
Penélope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Viola Davis, Doubt
Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler
Kate Winslet, The Reader


Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
Stephen Daldry, The Reader
David Fincher, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Ron Howard, Frost/Nixon
Sam Mendes, Revolutionary Road


Simon Beaufoy, Slumdog Millionaire
David Hare, The Reader
Peter Morgan, Frost/Nixon
Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
John Patrick Shanley, Doubt


The Baader Meinhof Complex (Germany)
Everlasting Moments (Sweden)
Gomorrah (Italy)
I've Loved You So Long (France)
Waltz With Bashir (Israel)


Kung Fu Panda


Alexandre Desplat, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Clint Eastwood, Changeling
James Newton Howard, Defiance
A.R. Rahman, Slumdog Millionaire
Hans Zimmer, Frost/Nixon


"Down to Earth," WALL-E; music by Peter Gabriel, Thomas Newman; lyrics by Peter Gabriel
"Gran Torino," Gran Torino; music by Clint Eastwood, Jamie Cullum, Kyle Eastwood, Michael Stevens; lyrics by Kyle Eastwood, Michael Stevens
"I Thought I Lost You," Bolt; music & lyrics by Miley Cyrus, Jeffrey Steele
"Once in a Lifetime," Cadillac Records; music & lyrics by Beyoncé Knowles, Amanda Ghost, Scott McFarnon, Ian Dench, James Dring, Jody Street
"The Wrestler," The Wrestler; music & lyrics by Bruce Springsteen



In Treatment
Mad Men
True Blood


Sally Field, Brothers & Sisters
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
January Jones, Mad Men
Anna Paquin, True Blood
Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer


Gabriel Byrne, In Treatment
Michael C. Hall, Dexter
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Hugh Laurie, House
Jonathan Rhys Meyers, The Tudors


30 Rock
The Office


Christina Applegate, Samantha Who?
America Ferrera, Ugly Betty
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Debra Messing, The Starter Wife
Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds


Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Steve Carell, The Office
Kevin Connolly, Entourage
David Duchovny, Californication
Tony Shalhoub, Monk


A Raisin in the Sun
Bernard and Doris
John Adams


Judi Dench, Cranford
Catherine Keener, An American Crime
Laura Linney, John Adams
Shirley MacLaine, Coco Chanel
Susan Sarandon, Bernard and Doris


Ralph Fiennes, Bernard and Doris
Paul Giamatti, John Adams
Kevin Spacey, Recount
Kiefer Sutherland, 24: Redemption
Tom Wilkinson, Recount


Eileen Atkins, Cranford
Laura Dern, Recount
Melissa George, In Treatment
Rachel Griffiths, Brothers & Sisters
Dianne Wiest, In Treatment


Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother
Denis Leary, Recount
Jeremy Piven, Entourage
Blair Underwood, In Treatment
Tom Wilkinson, John Adams .


Ultimate pin-up icon and bondage queen Bettie Page passed away yesterday after contracting pneumonia in the wake of a heart attack earlier this month. It's a sad day for rockabilly chicks the world round. Rest in peace, Bettie, rest in peace.

Monday, December 8, 2008

There are no words...

The next 'Dick in a Box'? Quite possibly. Actually, last week's Malkovich hosted SNL was pretty decent. Boy George? Judy Blume? Calculatah? Good stuff.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Two in One Year

One of the greatest people on Earth is a Vanity Fair cover girl for the second time this year. America has recognized the brilliance of one Elizabeth Stamatina Fey, finally. After years of SNL, a couple movies, an incredible sitcom and a few award statuettes, in the end all it really took was a dead-on impersonation of a certain polarizing VP-candidate to knock the reluctant Fey into the limelight. Figures.

Fey graces the pages of VF's January 2009 issue and once again gives an interview that really makes me wonder if she's an alternate reality, older, more theatrical and half-Greek version of myself. Yeah, i just detoured into crazy territory. But seriously, Tina, we should hang out.


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Mid-Week Mixtape #1

MixwitMixwit make a mixtapeMixwit mixtapes

I think this sort of captures the spirit of this whole deal. At least these days.

*the 'unknown' track is by We Are Standard

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Holy Death Scene, Batman!

Another wrench has been thrown into the Batman saga. Writer Grant Morrison has "killed off" Bruce Wayne in the conclusion of the story arc "Batman R.I.P."

::Spoilers Ahead::

This incarnation of Batman is supposedly killed off by the villainous Simon Hurt, posing as Wayne's long deceased father, and apparently without any other sort of clever moniker. Apparently, Batman is shot. Apparently, this is a major news story. Apparently, the world has forgotten about the various spin-offs, alternate realities, and story arcs that branch off of these beloved characters and that (just like in soap operas) superheroes and villains never seem to stay in the ground.

I'm not sure what i think about this. On the one hand, i'm well aware that it makes very little difference within the Batman universe. On the other hand, i'm slightly irked that Morrison killed off the Caped Crusader with a gunshot and daddy issues and that it's international news. But wait, he seems to negate the news himself...

"We wanted to see what would happen if the most evil, richest people in the world decided they didn't like Batman, and decided to take him apart piece by piece and destroy him. And then have Batman come back, and we could see why he's so great," [Source]

Uh huh. I bet no one saw that coming. Nice publicity stunt DC.


The New York Times Magazine's "Screen Issue" featured stills captured from British photographer Robbie Cooper's hi-res video Immersion, a piece that caught the vacant faces of kids as they played video games. Next time i play a video game i'm going to overcompensate super hard to make sure that i don't look anything like some of these freaks of nature. Then i'm going to walk around with my own camera and capture the dead behind the eyes stare of whoever i happen to be playing with. It's a plan.


I Went to the Wrong School...Clearly.

There are colleges out there (Middlebury, specifically) where large herds of surprisingly normal looking people have formed Quidditch teams. Yes, Quidditch, like Harry Potter. They're running around fields in capes with broomsticks between their legs. At this point you're saying "What?!? But these children aren't magical! They can't possibly have a Golden Snitch!" You'd be wrong. Watch the video.


Saturday, November 22, 2008

Guilty Pleasures: 25 Movies Part IV (Conclusion)

21. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow - I was always alarmed by how many people trashed this movie without bothering to really watch it. I was also surprised by the lack of comprehension as to what the purpose and mode of the story was. This is an old-fashioned, innocent, wide-eyed adventure noir swiped directly from 40's comic books. The dialogue is deliberately cheesy, but that's exactly what it's supposed to be... The aesthetics are spot on and incredibly gorgeous. Really, and to think that a couple years later everyone acted as though 300 was a modern marvel. I agree with Roger Ebert, i think this film captured exactly what it set out to and personally, i appreciated that.

22. Bandits - It's one of those decent movies that's largely forgettable. For some reason, i really enjoyed the simplicity of the crimes and the neurotic chemistry between Billy Bob Thornton, Cate Blanchett, and Bruce Willis. It marks one of the only instances in which Thornton can be referred to as adorable and a convict love triangle can be called charming. Really and truly.

23. Cruel Intentions - I love Les Liaisons Dangereuses as a French novel. Therefore, a teenage, prep school, sex romp version should somehow compute as a complete bastardization of classic literature, right? Oh so wrong. This is one of those movies that i wanted to resist but wound up completely accepting. Sarah Michelle Gellar and Ryan Phillippe as super manipulative popular kids? They give the Gossip Girl kids a run for their money. Despite all the tacky scenes and deliberate shock value, i will watch this whenever i'm given the opportunity. Plus, the soundtrack is killer. I mean, seriously, they even used one of my favorite songs in the trailer.

24. Freaky Friday (2003) / The Parent Trap (1998) - I'm counting these two Disney/Lohan remakes as being essentially one guilty pleasure because, well, they're basically the same movie: a silly gently bent gimmick about family togetherness. It's fairly taboo to enjoy Lindsay Lohan fare these days (the exception being Mean Girls), especially if you're a 20-something film aficionado. But over the years i've seen both of these movies more times than i'd care to reveal (thanks in part to younger relatives, but they're also both great for when you're stuck in bed or on the couch sick) and every time they leave me perfectly happy.

25. Velvet Goldmine - This movie is incredibly beautiful, but so piecey. Director Todd Haynes has some issues with cohesion, i would say. There are huge segments that don't work at all, it's too long, and parts are just laughable. I have seen this movie several times in the company of almost everyone, and i'd say 60% of audiences have finished the movie feeling somehow dirty. It's a rough, unflinching, and often mythologized vision of the glam rock era. For every one thing wrong there's two that are right, and for every time i view it and question my taste, there are two viewings where i am suitably impressed. The costumes and soundtrack alone are completely brilliant. Jonathan Rhys-Myers looks his best in make-up and shiny clothing. True story.

Honorable Mentions: The Island, Constantine, Nanny McPhee, etc.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Be Don Draper

He's everywhere. Accept it. Learn to be Don Draper.


So, on the heels of one unfortunate cancellation, another show dead before its time is being resurrected.

It's apparently official: Arrested Development is being made into a movie. Commence rejoycing. Producers Mitch Hurwitz and Ron Howard are fully onboard, as well as most of the original cast. E!Online's (Seriously, they're all over things today) report leaves us with one worry:

""Yes, it's a go," an Arrested castmember who asked not to be named tells me. "We're all very excited. And it will happen with or without the holdout."

Hmmm. Thoughts on who that is?

Also, can Arrested withstand the motion picture format?


Kids These Days

Ok, usually i ignore celebrity parenting news, but i have to admit that these two little pop rockers picked a fairly awesome name for their brand new baby boy. E!Online (Again, i know...) reports that Ashlee Simpson has finally popped and she and Fall Out Boy-er Pete Wentz have named the child: Bronx Mowgli Wentz.

Bronx is a decent name, though not horribly original. But, Mowgli, as derived from Rudyard Kipling's Jungle Book, is definitely on the bad ass side. I mean, that kid's namesake was feral child raised by wolves, bears, and panthers. He beats up on tigers. I hope they style his hair just like the Disney cartoon. It's the only way.

Super Tragic...

E!Online is reporting that ABC has axed three of its primetime shows. Kristin Dos Santos writes that the network has cancelled Eli Stone, Dirty Sexy Money, and Pushing Daisies. Ok. I understand why the first two are gone, frankly, i'm surprised that didn't happen during the writer's strike. But Pushing Daisies!?!?! Really, ABC? Really? Good lord, you honestly don't know a good thing when you've got it. Not only is it the whimsical darling of the critics, but it is clearly building a slow and steady cult fanbase. I wonder, if Ned (Lee Pace) the Piemaker touches everything on the set...can he bring the show back to life? Of course, since something else has to die after five minutes, maybe he could do this near wherever they film Dancing with the Stars...or Grey's Anatomy.

The worst part? Crap like Private Practice and Dancing with the Stars (remind me to write a post about how this show is evidence of the decline of the American empire) will survive through the apocalypse while ambitious and creative fare gets flushed away. This is why we can't trust the masses, folks. They have no taste. I think i'll go cry now. And here is the rest of it.

Guilty Pleasures: 25 Movies Part III

16. HSM3 - I saw the first one. I hated it. I reluctantly watched the second one. It was better. Then i saw the third one. Rocky Horror style, late night, no kids around, plenty of space to yell at the screen and dance when necessary. Awesome. No, i'm serious. High camp, ridiculous dance numbers, Fosse yoga. The "official" Disney Channel music video version of "I Want it All" does little justice to the actual 'showstopper' cafeteria choreography of the film version, just so you know. But you have to love Ryan and Sharpay. They're just fabulous. Would be better without Vanessa Hudgens. Boo, whore.

17. Something's Gotta Give - It's fairly gross, isn't it? Watching old folks get it on. Especially when they're as unattractive as Jack Nicholson in his advanced years. But i have a soft spot for Diane Keaton, and this is pretty much the only decent thing she's done in at least 10 years. So i have a copy, yes. And i linger on it when it's on TNT. And i watch it when i'm feeling like some old sappy lady. Hey, it's a better crutch than Beaches.

18. The Thomas Crown Affair (1999) - Ok. Let's be honest. Pierce Brosnan is pretty damn hot. He's still much hotter than Daniel Craig...but that's neither here nor there. Anyway. Between the ages of 15 and 16 i think i watched this remake at least a dozen times. Cheesy dialogue and various ridiculous things aside, that staircase sex montage was like the damn hottest thing i'd ever seen.
I bet it's still pretty fucking hot. It should also be mentioned that this movie has one of the absolute best heist scenes of all time. I mean, it's set to Nina Simone's "Sinnerman" for christ's sake. So, art heists + sexy business + James Bond = hot.

19. The Chipmunk Adventure - When i was little i wanted those little chipmunk dolls so bad, not even because they were loaded with diamonds. I just wanted them. And i so wanted to go to the sombrero shaped taco stand that they stop by in Mexico. I didn't even like tacos at that point in my life. OH, and that fricken adorable little penguin. Anyway, there's just something about this animation that takes me back to better times. And, yes, i so love the Chipettes. I'm definitely a fan. Their outfits are excellent. In fact, the songs are so nostalgic, i will include TWO OF THEM. And yes, the Get Lucky one is completely loaded with innuendo.

20. Spice World - Again, i've seen this i don't know how many times. Years will pass and all of a sudden it will resurface in a big way. Because, really, for my generation this is one of those things where once you hear that someone else has recently been privy to a're suddenly overcome with the need to see it again in all its camp glory. It's beautiful. I love these girls. No lie. I'm starting to notice that many of my guilty pleasure movies involve girl pop groups in some context. I think i may have found what i really want to be when i grow up...

I leave you with: the boot camp scene...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


I was just going to let this slide by, but it was just brought to my attention that this chick Abby Elliott, you know, one of the two ladies being brought in to fill the void of Amy Poehler (and apparently the daughter of Cabin Boy, wtf?) on SNL is only 21! What? It's official, i'm old and past my prime. That bitch just done gone and stole my dream job. My pipe dream job. Ok. Really, bit player is not my dream job. But if in a season i find out she's head writer at 22, i'm retiring and becoming a soccer mom. Or maybe i'll just have to throw myself onto reality tv. Isn't that what all the undiscovered people do these days?

The Men Folk

So GQ made four different covers for their 'Men of the Year' business. That's right, apparently this is one election that Barack Obama couldn't win. Instead he has to share it with that Gold Medal Asshole Michael Phelps (who doesn't know how to wear pants properly) as well as Leonardo and Don Draper (no, he's not really Jon Hamm, just Don Draper). I mean, Leo and Don Draper are cool and everything, but how did they finagle a way in during an election year? Just askin'.

Also, People Magazine has named their annual 'Sexiest Man Alive'. Yep, it's Hugh Jackman. I buy that, because millions of women will collectively swoon during the romantic epic that this Australia, and also probably because they just felt pervy putting the ZEfron at the top. Don Draper and Michael Phelps also made this list. Along with some other random folk like "Saved by the Bell" alum Mark-Paul Gossalaar and Lang Lang. I don't know about this list...seriously, can someone explain to me what's supposed to be attractive about Aquaman? I'm listening. Personally, I think Johnny Depp should just be put at the top of the pile every year until he's 80. Maybe that's just me...

I may have to post a response list to this.


This is how you pay off debts. I love it. I honestly wouldn't care if it's fabricated. All i know is, next semester, i'm sending a sketch instead of a check.

Also, this other guy made candied bacon ice cream. He'll tell you how. I'm not going through the trouble myself, but if someone makes it...i think i need to try it.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The One Where I Win Stylista! Not Really.

Have you watched the bitchy bonanza that is the CW's Stylista? You know, the one after the show where Tyra Banks reminds America she's still fierce (also craaazy)? Well, if you haven't, the folks on Stylista are young, supposedly fabulous, incredibly shitty human beings, all competing for a position at Elle magazine. Every week they attempt to show off their editing chops by creating various layouts that, in reality, are fairly impressive when you take into consideration the fact that they've only got about half an hour to work with. Anyway, if you're the sort of person who desperately wants to go to the grocery store and make a dress with a gummy worm fringe every time you watch Project Runway, then I have a GREAT way for your to procrastinate post-Stylista .

Polyvore is a site where you can pick and choose items from a virtual closet infinitely larger than the one at Elle and assemble them into your own bright and shiny layout collage. Search by item type or designer, narrow by color, click and drag and add text from a decent selection of fonts. It's great for the fashionista with downtime at a dull desk job. Check out the website to see some collages more impressive than my own samples here. Which really, were made quickly and are fairly craptastic. Yes. I made one based on Tony Scott's The Hunger. Why? Because Catherine Deneuve eats the Cullens for breakfast. Yes. I also made one based on the roller disco shenanigans of Xanadu. I like to think it speaks more to the Broadway musical than the awful(x10) Olivia Newton John vehicle. Honestly, i just really like roller disco. As a concept.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Does Not Compute: Hilton + Solondz

The Hollywood Reporter claims that this guy is Paris Hilton's new BFF. Ok. Not Exactly. But What the hell?.

Indie-filmmaker Todd Solondz, responsible for 90's cult classic "Welcome to the Dollhouse" and the remarkably uncomfortable (and if i say it, you know it's true) "Happiness" has recruited the wooden socialite for his next, as yet untitled, project. The film, according to imdb is a semi-sequel to "Happiness" and has an ensemble cast of quirky characters. Hilton will star alongside Allison Janney, Paul Reubens, Ally Sheedy, Faye Dunaway, Charlotte Rampling, and Shirley Henderson (That's Moaning Myrtle, for all you HP folks).

This is the part where you take this in, and your head explodes. It's so crazy, it just might work. But, I mean, why is it happening? Has anyone else noticed that Paris seems to be making slow and calculated moves towards the darkside? Are we one day going to wake up and collectively respect her? In the future, will we look back and actually find that Paris really is some sort of Bardot or Monroe or Birkin? The answer is...?


Dame Helen Mirren

I once had a Professor, an older Shakespearean type with a voice that flawlessly blended British and Harvard accents (though, i believe, he grew up somewhere incredibly mundane...Michigan, perhaps?), who proclaimed Dame Helen Mirren to be the "MOST beautiful, MOST talented" actress/woman of all time. Also, did i mention that this Professor was gay? Yeah. See? Helen Mirren is so powerful she turns gay men straight.

You know what else Helen Mirren does? Bewitches reporters for The Times. Of course.

In the interview for the Sunday edition, there are some almost inappropriate (and insanely hilarious) remarks and asides from the reporter in question.

Check these out:

On her motorbike: "You imagine Mirren in her leathers. Striking. “The major problem was, when you stop at a light: you can’t balance, so you have to put one foot down and hold the bike up.” She stands up and straddles as if riding a bike to demonstrate. She’s wearing a cotton suit in milky beige and a white T-shirt. As she bends down, the skirt stretches over her bottom and thigh. Extremely tight."

On Love Ranch: "“My husband’s film is called Love Ranch. It’s a brothel in Nevada in the 1970s,” she says with a tiny but perceptible glint of naughtiness in her eye. Are you a madam? “Of course. I’m not one of the old girls,” she laughs. She could be — very many people would definitely want to have sex with her. "

While Analyzing Mirren's Pin-Up Appeal: "I wonder if this adds to her particular kind of sexual omnivorousness."

For No Reason: "Mirren is quite a tease."

In Conclusion:"She beams mesmerisingly.
As I get up to go, she stops me and says, “And thank you for the view.” I blush. I was jet-lagged, I had no clean underwear, so I’d gone without. I didn’t think she’d notice. But she did. And she laughs, the minx.

Oh, the minx.


Geek Out

Here's the bootleg trailer for the J.J. Abrams version of Star Trek that's running before select showings of Quantum of Solace. Looks pretty decent, lucky for Abrams. If he were to mess it up, we all know that a fool and his head are soon parted. Or so goes the old Klingon proverb.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Guilty Pleasures: 25 Movies Part II

The Next Episode, 500 Years later. Apparently, I'm more of a slacker than i knew.

11. Teknolust- Cyberpunk and Tilda Swinton in 4 roles (as scientist Rosetta Stone, and as her 3 cyborg creations). Of course i couldn't look away. Even though it was ridiculous and a fairly unsatisfying film. But, Tilda Swinton! And weird business! And clone-y robot-y seduction!

12. Funny Girl - Oy, speaking of guilt. I blame my mother for indoctrinating me into my strange love for this Streisand-vehicle. It's insanely long and becomes slower and more depressing after the first 30 minutes...and yet i'm pretty sure i've seen it at least 5 times. It's a trick, i swear. Every time i think the ending isn't as awful as it is, and i'm wrong. There is no happy ending. This isn't one of those happy-go-lucky musicals. But it does have "Don't rain on my Parade"...and so does my ipod. In fact, i can start singing "I'm the Greatest Star" for your RIGHT NOW. Alright, my street cred just went completely down the shitter...but it's a classic.
Here's a great scene with heavy emphasis on the 'bridge tipper'

13. Underworld - Vampires vs. werewolves. A whole lot of leather (also a bunch of PVC). More Matrix-esque effects than should be allowed. I hate the sequel, for the record, but this first one was fabulous.

14. Music & Lyrics - An 80's nostalgia rom com with nothing particularly special about it except for Hugh Grant does a lot of singing and dancing (of surprisingly authentic sounding pop songs). That's all it takes, ladies and gentlemen. That's all it takes. See below.

15. Labyrinth - At first, i wasn't going to consider this a "guilty" pleasure. But then i kind of revisited and thought "wow, yeah, i guess a lot of people might disagree with that...". So here it is. Lord how i love this. Insanely cheesy dialogue, muppets, Bowie, Escher sets, more Bowie, Jennifer Connelly's eyebrows, unnecessary crotch shots of Bowie's area. What's with those pants, man? Or are they leggings? Goblin King, Goblin King, TAKE ME! Please?

Old News: Britney, Bitch...

It seems like my limited use of this blog has mostly consisted of me throwing guilty pleasure type things all over the interweb. Here comes another confession: for all my years despising Britney Spears, i really dig about 70% of her Blackout album. It figures, right? When she's in the gutter and her voice is completely done over by machines and overproduction, that's when i decide she might be worth my time. I didn't want to. Oh, how i resisted. But to no avail. Seriously. You listen to "Break the Ice", "Ooh Ooh Baby", and "Toy Soldier" and tell me that they're not catchy (at the least).

That said, i find my schadenfreude subsiding and am partially rather happy (much to my chagrin) that the cheetoh trash icon is at least back on her feet enough to pull off the dance moves in the "Womanizer" video. Good for you, Britney Spears. Good for you.

And yes, I will definitely be investigating her new album, Circus, upon its release later this year. It will undoubtedly be worth the 5 minutes it takes to preview things on iTunes. (Or, if you're sneaky like a google search and find the leaked album right now) I embrace you, teen pop. A few years too late, but i embrace you.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Things I Hate: The VW Routan Commercials

Fuck you, German Engineering. Who can I thank for the mind boggling idiocy of the VW Routan Commercials? Seriously, is there an ad office i can send a mail bomb to? Because, these Brooke Shields commercials are driving me up the wall. Don't have a baby for German Engineering. Don't kill yourself for German Engineering. Don't brush your teeth for German Engineering. Don't fast for German Engineering. Don't buy a guinea pig for German Engineering. Don't prostitute yourself for German Engineering. Don't cook spaghetti for German Engineering. Don't buy Christmas presents for German Engineering. Do you know what I will do for German Engineering? Send Jedi's to the home of Brooke Shields. They can use their mind tricks to stop her from doing these commercials, and then convince her to stay out of the public eye. Forever. Shit that was pathetic. I blame German Engineering.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Guilty Pleasures: 25 Movies Part 1

The first of many lists to come, I bravely present to you Part I of a 2-Parter list of my own personal guilty pleasure films. A few of them I'd actually call more 'underrated'. But since most people tend to laugh when i express my love, I've posted them here for your own schadenfreude...

Let's start things off with a bang...pool-side.

1. Showgirls - It's hilarious. I almost died laughing during that pool-sex scene. Seriously. This movie is so bad it's almost genius. Oh the good times we had at college, rewatching the best parts and stuffing out faces with tongue-scalding Bosco Sticks (another guilty pleasure, of sorts). You haven't seen it yet? What the hell is wrong with you?

2. 54 - Ok, really, I don't even like this that much. For whatever reason, though, I'm completely fascinated by it and kept the DVD copy my college radio station purchased for use at our Studio 54 party (Yeah, we had one of those, be jealous). I've heard there's actually an awesome director's cut of this that makes Ryan Phillipe's character bisexual and really amps up the more accurate naughty bits of life at the club. I would KILL to see it.

3. The Avengers - Horrendously cheesy lines and a completely absurd plot. Come on... Sean Connery as a villain who controls the weather, collects snow globes, and makes his henchmen wear teddy bear costumes? That's amazing. Plus, Emma Peel (Uma Thurman) has a clone. And that's not all! John Steed (Ralph Fiennes) totally has an implied shoe fetish. Additionally...Eddie Izzard! Not kidding, in 8th grade, i had a brief but powerful obsession with the entire concept of The Avengers.

4. Sleepover - Watched this at a girly teeny-bopper sleepover in college and was somehow quite entertained. The plot is ludicrous and shallow, junior high girls go on an elaborate scavenger hunt to win prime lunch-time real estate once they hit high school, and filled with bright colors and fluff. They joyride, evade adults, sneak into nightclubs, and catch the eye of 'dreamy' boys. Did I mention Steve Carell plays a rent-a-cop? Bet he'd like to forget that now.

5. You've Got Mail - In my head it's way better than Sleepless in Seattle and is way too sickeningly charming. It might be a mega sugary chick-type flick, but it has a whole lot of corporate vs. independent rage going on and is high on the snide jabs at literary elitists. In fact, with a backing cast made up of Greg Kinnear, Parker Posey, Steve Zahn, & Dave Chappelle, the movie as a whole does have more of an 'indie' romantic comedy feel to it than most. I declare it: underrated. I may also just be in denial. The latter is more likely.

6. Josie and the Pussycats -
Speaking of underrated. This is right up there with SERIOUSLY underrated. This movie is pure satire with a catchy pop-rock soundtrack and a whole lotta color. Fun, funny, and filmed pretty damn well when compared to almost every other teen comedy of the time, it's delightful. Also, it's boy band Du Jour sings a song called "Back Door Lover"

7. Bedazzled - The more recent version (which, one compared to the original, is almost a triumph). I think what I loved most about this movie was that it got to spastically go from sequence to sequence, and thus use all sorts of absurd costumes and scenes. Plus, Liz Hurley was wicked as the Devil.

8. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls - WTF? No, it's not a sequel. It's a bad acid trip written by (of all people) Roger Ebert that plays out as a pseudo-pornographic, semi-musical romp around LA that turns into(basically) a slasher flick. Kind of like Josie and the Pussycats on a shame spiral. You want to see it now, right? Admit it. You're curious.

9. Domino - So this was released and pretty much every review said it was ADHD, epileptic, brain-sucking shit. I HAVE to disagree, enthusiastically. I think it rocks not merely on the absurdity factor, but the fact that it's SUPPOSED to be a bio-pic. Personally, after this movie, i don't care what Domino Harvey was in real life. Keira Knightley's version was a total bad ass who made me briefly consider becoming a bounty hunter. Just kidding. I actually think about that all the time. No, really though, this movie was shot and cut beautifully, even if it doesn't always make sense.

10. Beastmaster (1982)- Realistically, i haven't seen this since i was about 10. But before that, i was all over this absurd 80's fantasy movie. Yeah, yeah, mostly it was because the Beastmaster has ferrets named Kodo & Podo. They were cute. Also, there was a panther. So, really, it was pretty awesome.

Ferrets, by the way, don't climb trees. They also don't produce those sounds.

Thursday, August 14, 2008


Horrible news for all you muggles. The release date for the next film adaptation (Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince) has been pushed back to JULY 17, 2009!

That's a whole SEVEN MONTHS after the original date (November 21, 2008). Ridiculous!

Warner Brothers Studio Execs. blamed the switch on 'repercussions of the writer's strike'. I don't know about you, but i'm tearing up a little. Whatever will I do without my dose of Snape for the year? Please don't tell me this means I'm really going to have to see Twilight now.

Let's all hope that in pushing the date back, it means they'll make improvements on the film. Some good can come of this, right?

Review: Pineapple Express

Did Judd Apatow & Friends invent the Bromance, or just bring about it’s glorious Renaissance? I’d opt for the latter, but what a Renaissance it is. With a string of commercial and critical hits under their belts, the newest vehicle Pineapple Express is a more raucous take on this cinematic family’s brand of golden hearted vulgarity.

Former Freaks & Geeks cast-mates Seth Rogan (who also co-wrote the film with fellow ‘Superbad’ collaborator Evan Goldberg) and James Franco reunite in a haze of pot smoke to play a pair of fully baked stoners. When process server Dale (Rogan) witnesses a homicide, he seeks out assistance in the form of his gleefully out-of-it dealer Saul. What follows is a madcap, genre shuffling gore-fest as the two bumble from scene to scene, inadvertently falling into a dangerous underground war between the local drug lords.

For the most part, Pineapple Express manages to maintain its hilarity and upbeat pace with the help of the same off-topic banter and reluctantly lovable characters that made Superbad resonate. While the violence leans towards pure brutality at points, pushing the film more towards becoming a bad, jumbled, trip, the characters at the films core are endearingly comic screw-ups. Rogan & Franco have got chemistry. Even as the body count increases and absurdity of the situation becomes painfully obvious, you’re rooting for their bromance (that is, their deep sense of male companionship) to work out.

On the downside, however, those who find the Apatow brand of comedy to be a raunchy cultural acceptance of an ever-growing Peter Pan complex will find much to criticize here. There’s an irreverent take on responsibility (duh, it’s a stoner comedy) now not merely combined with over-the-top remarks on anatomy, but also an insatiable bloodlust. Combine the two together and you’re sure to leave a bad taste in many a viewer’s mouths. Personally, this reviewer can’t imagine why certain types would even be attracted to this film in the first place. This is a film for a target age bracket and a target market, and if you aren’t sure whether or not you’re amongst them…you probably aren’t.

Overall, Pineapple Express is a successful endeavor. The genre-splicing is sloppy, but works well if taken in context with the film’s overarching drug-fueled idiocy. Rogan & Franco are pretty damn fabulous to watch together, even if many of the supporting cast (I’m looking at you, Gary Cole and Rosie Perez) are entirely forgettable.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Dream Casting: Batman

We can probably all agree that the spectacle known as The Dark Knight was pretty awesome. Though the film snobs amongst us will begin to argue that there were several pesky continuity flaws and some slightly problematic editing, the general consensus is a big thumbs up.

Personally, I'm prematurely excited about the future of the franchise. Batman is my favorite of the major league comicbook heroes and Christopher Nolan has barely touched upon the possibilities Gotham city holds when it comes to a wide world of deranged villains. Thus, I've been geeking out about the routes Nolan could take, and think it's time to type it out here.

Are you there Nolan? It's me, your uber-caster.

(Spoiler Alert)

Plan A: Now that Rachel Dawes is dead, Bruce Wayne will be free to reluctantly move forward with his lovelife. Thus, the window is open for supreme anti-hero Catwoman, who is (all Halle Berry versions to the contrary) one of the most fascinating and developed characters in the DC Universe. Catwoman's presence in the film would be more along the lines of the Harvey Dent subplot. There is no need for her to anchor an entire film, she's not that much of a villain, instead her character would be allowed to slowly evolve possibly over film 3 and 4. There have been claims that Catwoman is a non-option, there have also been claims that Angelina Jolie is being considered for the role. Both are major mistakes. Allow me to explain.

I dig Angelina Jolie, but my god, her casting would put the franchise in over-the-top terrain. Currently, Nolan has cast from within the realm of reasonably understated actors, and placed excessively well known stars just slightly out of focus (Morgan Freeman, for instance). Jolie would throw off the film's balance, and based on her performance in past actioners, her version of Catwoman would likely veer this variation towards campy (I had a great time watching Tomb Raider, but wouldn't want that as a Catwoman). In conclusion, while Jolie has the looks, she doesn't have the whole package. My pick? Simple. Underused femme fatale Eva Green.

Think about it, Eva is perfect. She's got the sex appeal, the acting chops, the feline looks, the dark persona, and already proved she can rock the witty banter necessary to the role (Remember her as Vesper in Casino Royale). Additionally, she can alternate between dangerous and defenseless in a heartbeat. Plus, she's just low-profile enough to not offset the fragile balance of the series.

Plan B: So one thing the rumor-mills and I agree about is the perfection that is Johnny Depp.
He would be a divine Edward Nigma (That's the Riddler, for all you non-nerds), the perfect blend of neurotic, homicidal dandyism. Do I even have to defend this? No. No I don't. Of course, Riddler would anchor the film as a spotlight villain. Considering the slight similarities between Joker & Riddler, Nigma's appearance could be a smooth transition between characters. Though for some, the reliance on puzzles and elaborate schemes could be too much.

Plan C: In terms of character continuity, the absolute best option would be to make use of Harley Quinn. If Heath Ledger were still alive, he could have resurfaced with demented Quinn as a cultish admirer (shades of the Manson family, anyone?). Since Heath is sadly unavailable, and no one should step in, Quinn's arrival on the scene could take on even more sinister elements of extreme psychosis. She could be a copycat killer and deranged stalker, a sort of Basic Instinct John Hinckley. 100% imbalanced and ready to party. I'm not sure about who I'd want for this role. I might have said Maggie Gyllenhaal if she weren't already Rachel Dawes. I think Tilda Swinton is a little too old now, but she could still deliver, she always does.

Who would you cast as Harley Quinn?

The Jump Off

I know what you're thinking. Really. I don't even have to be psychic (though sometimes I think my brain controls the shuffle function on my iPod). You're looking at this blog and going "Great. Another asshole started another blog devoted to pure unadulturated crap". Or, alternately, "The world doesn't need another Perez Hilton".

You would be right, on both counts. The world doesn't need another Perez Hilton, I never liked over-exuberant illiterates. And yes, the function of this blog is that silly sugary detritus officially recognized as 'pop culture'. But I swear, if I ever post about celebrity nip slips or make crude paint additions to an image, I'll publically flog myself in a random town square for senseless contribution to the downfall of the American Empire.

That said, welcome to the Pop Candy Arcade.

Love & Squalor,

(The Artist Henceforth Known As) Wilde.Dash


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